After having gotten only two hours of sleep last night due to bad sleep patterns and deep, penetrating anxiety about life, I am physically, mentally and emotionally spent. So, dear readers, this will be a rather half-assed post. I have too many negative feelings going on right now, and its all brewing so precariously close the tips of my fingers that I cannot eloquently or fairly write about it.
My family has suffered a devastating loss, and I am so far away that I can't do much about it. The sadness, loss, and helplessness I feel, violently amalgamated in a cocktail shaker muddled with anxiety and frustration about my future and (worse) my family's future that has suddenly become so tangible, and then decanted with a floater of lack of sleep, a Five Hour Energy and four shots of espresso coming down, combined into a molotov cocktail that was aimed and exploded at a very undeserving victim - someone who especially didn't need that extra addition of "bitch" in their day that was emanating from me like a Florida summer sunburn on an unsuspecting Brit. I don't know what is worse - the anger I felt while dispensing my needlessly passive aggressive and venomous message, or the guilt I feel now for sending said message at such an inappropriate time. I realize I was mad, not for the reasons I was providing, but for many, many countless reasons, a lot of them stemming from jealousy and fear.
Either way, perhaps as a self-induced internal penance, I have been unable to get Christina Aguilera's "Hurt" out of my head for hours. Specifically a couple of lines, shown below, that have been worming over and over again through my head. So, enjoy, and please remember that throwing your negative BS at innocent victims is never as satisfying as you would like it to be. If you have any sort of soul, it just leads to hours and hours of anxious, guilt ridden checking of emails, wringing of hands, annoying your friends with your neuroses etc...
"Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you."
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